Happy Pill

I am not ashamed to admit that I have been on and off antidepressants since my early 20's.

Being laid-off, moving, pre-wedding stress, going back to work after first baby, and lastly, going back to work after SECOND baby.  All these times--in my eyes--required a little bit of extra help from a tiny, happy pill.

The last time was by far the worst and most memorable.

I vividly remember every detail of that I-can't-take-this-anymore-I-need-help moment.

It was the Friday before Labor Day, I had just had several days of Professional Development which also happened to be my first time away from my 4 month old son. 

I was home alone with both kids.

All three of us (my daughter, son, and I), were in his room.  He was crying, she was asking for something, and I was stressed about having my classroom ready, preparing them for daycare, and trying to enjoy my time at home while I STILL had some.  Did I mention that I was crying too??

For some irrational reason, I put in the call to my doctor and was transferred to a nurse.  STILL crying.  Not just my son, but myself as well. 

"I need to be put back on some medication.  I think I'm going through a bit of postpartum depression." (between sobs of the two of us and my daughter demanding something).

"Honey, do you think you can come in this afternoon?" asked the nurse.

Yeah, it was 2:00 in the afternoon which happened to be nap time.  I hadn't taken a shower, I think the kids were still in their pajamas, and my face was bright red from crying.  Needless to say, I couldn't stop CRYING. 

Yeah lady--I can just hop in my car, drive 30 minutes with my newborn and 2 year old, to sit in an office during their nap time, and wait for my doctor to see me--to inevitability be put on some little happy pill to make me FEEL better than the uncontrollable crying I'm experiencing now.

I ALMOST laughed.  But I was too far away from that happy place to even muster a chuckle.  So, I just reasoned with her.  And she got me in as soon as she could which was the following Tuesday after school (which meant MORE time away from my kids).

The happy pills helped but didn't help everything.  It stopped the crying, overwhelming sadness, and crazy spurts.  But I still had sad moments and a HUGE pull to see my kids every minute that I wasn't working.  Which meant I was tired, wore out, and just plain cranky the majority of the time.  And on top of that my body was also physically dealing with a lot of medical issues (food sensitivities and such--you all know, if you've been reading my blog). 

Can you imagine living with me??  Kudos to my hubby.  And my kids.

I can laugh about this now.  Even smile.  Because I am at a MUCH better place in my life. 

With the help of my family, friends, a SUPER chiropractor/holistic doctor, staying at home, developing some of my OWN hobbies, my growing faith, blogging, healthy eating, and just plain ME time, I am the kind of mother today that I have always wanted to be to my kids (this makes me tear up joyfully).

I know this may sound strange.  But I never felt myself after having our second child.
BUT I DO NOW.  Thank God.

With that being said, this leads me to weaning myself off of these little happy pills that I have relied on for the past two years or so.  With the help of my holistic doctor and regular doctor, I've been weaning off of my antidepressant this week. 

Ummmmm....yeah, it was horrible.  I felt JUST like I did a year ago with all my food sensitivities.  It seems my body is/was quite addicted to this little happy pill.  My body ached, fatigued, joints hurt, muscles ached, major headaches, back ache--it was HORRIBLE.  And I almost gave in and took another pill, just to take away the awful feeling.  I guess that's what it's like when you are addicted to any drug--but antidepressants, really??? I am still dumbfounded by this.  And a little embarrassed to admit.  BUT if this helps anyone--I'm all for it.  Because, it wasn't a piece of cake this week.  But I'm glad the worst is over and will soon be medication free:o)

It's all part of my plan.
My healthy living process.

But, honestly, who would have thought a little happy pill had so much punch to it???

Top 10 for the week:

10.  Withdrawal.  Read above and you'll understand. 

9.  Flat Tire.  I have the greatest luck with flat tires.  I think this is my third in less than 1 1/2 years!  I was lucky this time, and I was still in the driveway when I noticed something was strange.  Jay was out of town for a meeting which left me truly stranded.  Thanks to my SIL, Mal had a ride home.  And I finally called a tire place and had a man come out and change it for me:o)  He seriously did it in like 20 minutes.  I was amazed.  It was so worth the $40. 

8.  Nana Hates Spiders.  My mom came and stayed with us for four nights:o)  Nothing like having a housewife to help you along in your day.  (Sorry mom, it's true.  I love you.)  Anyways, Mal slept downstairs with her the first night.  They were up until 10:30--way past Mal's bedtime.  And I think Nana's too.  Mal was shining her flashlight into the dark corners of the basement telling Nana she saw spiders.  Which Mal knows Nana HATES spiders.  Yeah, our little 4 year old was teasing my mother.  Her grandmother.  I could hear them uncontrollably laughing downstairs as I warned them they should go to bed.  "Nana, if Momma comes down here, I'll just pretend I'm sleeping."  Miss Mallory Jayne Newell.  I know Nana loved it, but we did pay for it that next day.  Miss Grumpy-Needs-More-Sleep-Mallory came out to play.  But we dealt.  And I know it was a fun moment for both of them.

7.  Kind Words.  Lots of sweet words and random acts of kindness from people around me this week.  A sweet Face book post from a dear friend, a gift from Mal's preschool teacher, and positive energy calls from family and friends lead to a very uplifting week. 

6.  Shopping with my mom.  Is fun.  Exhausting.  And rushed.  But we made every stop, got everything we needed for the party, and proceeded to be home just before eleven.  Nothing beats shopping with your Momma--even if it's just for a few hours.

5.  Clay's Photos.  UGH.  I should have known when I rescheduled them for 11:20 on the Friday OF his birthday, that that was a bad idea.  But I couldn't possibly stand him having his BIG boo boo in the pictures.  The first photographer wasn't that great--we barely had any pictures to work with.  Luckily, they had an opening right after lunch.  So we ended up doing TWO photo shoots that day.  He did much better with the second photographer (I will request her next time) and I'm excited to get them back.

4.  Clayisms.  When I started typing this, he was crying in his room because he didn't want to go down for his nap.  Well, then he walked out of his room with his water.  Yeah--he climbed out of his crib.  We were all waiting for that moment.  And we knew it was coming.  Since he DOES know how to climb out of his bed.  Looks like we may need to change our crib into a toddler bed:o(  At least he fell asleep in my arms for nap time today. 

3.  Malloryisms.  She had a bit of a difficult time dealing with Clay's birthday this year.  She is not an attention seeker by any means, but she does love getting a little.  And with Clay's pictures, party, presents, etc, she was acting out a bit more than she usually does.  It probably didn't help that we were super busy getting ready and doing things this week.  Even spending some extra time with her this morning and Jay taking her out to the burn pile during Clay's nap, have seemed to lift her spirits.  And it seems Mal is back to her normal self.

2.  The Great Outdoors.  Early this week, the kids and I spent the morning outdoors cleaning out flowerbeds and making a new fort in two pine trees.  The kids LOVED it.  And I have to admit I did too:o)  We also spent the majority of this afternoon outside.  Warm sunshine, chirping birds, getting your hands dirty--what's not to love!

1.  Clayton's 2nd Bday Party.  Was a huge hit!  It was by far the easiest to put together so far.  It could have been my mom being here the majority of the week or a friend of mine who had left over decorations from her son's first construction birthday party or maybe I'm getting used to parties??? Not sure, but we all had a good time.  Especially the birthday boy.  He had SO much fun, he didn't want to go to sleep last night.  9:30 and he was still up wanting to party.  Let's hope this isn't a every-birthday-kind-of-attitude for him:o)

Well, I made it early this week!!
Yeah for me! 
I hope you are enjoying this warm weather today!!
I am about to head back out into it:o)

Have a great week!
Until next week,
Mrs. Newell