I don't even honestly know where to begin.

So, let's start with where I thought I would be at this point in my life and go from there.

At an early age I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I always imagined myself with kids.  Taking them to the park, sharing special moments with them, packing their lunch, baking with them, and teaching them everything I knew about life.  I imagined myself happy and able to do everything and anything. 

It wasn't until I had our second child, Clay, that I realized I could not do it ALL anymore.  I was being spread too thin.  I was tired, depressed, wore out, and unhappy.  What little patience and energy I had was being used up on my fifth graders and their parents.  Which left a very cranky and sluggish mom to my own two kids.  I was short tempered and unhappy and this was even on happy pills (this is a whole other story that I'm sure will come out later on)!  I started talking in September (like the first week back) about taking some time off.  I think my husband, Jay, thought I was joking.  He knew I loved teaching. The kids, fellow teachers.  My life was school.  He humored me.  After Christmas break, I was sure.  I needed this time.  To my surprise, he knew this too.  I don't even remember having a final talk about it.  It was just known that I wasn't going back after the end of the year.

I had mostly happy reviews.  Teachers, our parents, family, friends, strangers who I told.  All confirmed what I already knew and wanted to hear.  You will never get those years back.  You will never regret this.  What an awesome opportunity.  You are so lucky you can do this.  You will love it.  How great.

But there were a few that thought otherwise.  Will you be able to go back halfway through the year if you change your mind?  Good luck with that!  I could never do it! (that was my OB. Seriously??)  Out of many, many people, there were only like five that made me think twice about my decision.

It was the strangest feeling walking out of the building with one last box and knowing that the next time I walk into that building I will be a different person.  Not a teacher. But a community member.  Nine years I have walked through those doors to teach fifth graders and now I was going home to teach my own two babies.  I don't think it has totally hit me yet. I don't really know what I am waiting for.  It all still seems surreal.

My HOPE: 
My hope is to understand myself and my children better.  To help them get to know the world, themselves, and be creative.  To dance or do something artsy every day.  To know the importance of saying please and thank-you. To teach THEM and myself patience:o) To teach them a healthy lifestyle. To give them experiences that light up their faces.  To be ME around my kids.  Even if it is only for a few hours a day (there is still plenty to do and I know there will be different stress) when I am with them ALL day.  My hope at being a new stay-at-home mom is to hatch out a few things in my mind, life, and family. 

What I have ALREADY learned (four days in):
My daughter is the sweetest, gentlest kid I know.  She has better manners than I thought and is such an awesome helper.  Her eyes light up when she sees little kids and she ADORES her brother.  She says "I love you" whenever she feels like it, loves the outdoors, and being crafty.

My son is about everything.  He wants to experience anything and everything all at once.  He is extremely smart already.  Knowing how and when to do things.  I really have to watch him ALL the time.  He laughs uncontrollably and is already showing funny guyisms like his father.  He also loves to cuddle with me.

I LOVE tinkering at home.  I seriously could putz around the house all day.  I love the feeling our home gives me.  There is lots to organize (yard sale to come) and sort through but for the most part we have made it our home.  And it makes me happy.

I CAN have time to myself and not feel guilty when I am with our children all day.  Thanks to a dear friend, I have tried ZUMBA.  Love it and looking forward to dancing every week. 

School is stressful for me.  I can't even explain how my body, mind, and soul feel now that I am done with school.  I feel like a completely different person.  I feel like ME. 

From here:
I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this blog.  I guess I'd like to keep track of things I discover about my kids as well as about myself.  To really evaluate and figure out what is important to me.  And be REAL.  I will NOT be a perfect stay-at-home mom.  BUT I will LOVE our children and take in every second I can with them because I already feel I have missed too many.